GLOSSARY plus...
Words, labels, concepts and comparisons that are commonly used within L/leather community and BDSM community.
boy/boi
Dissertation
Contract
Negotiations (overview)
The Mystery
and Sanctity of a Collar
A BASIC OVERVIEWS AND GLOSSARY OF TERMS
While both the L/leather and BDSM communities share much of the terminology, they are two distinct communities with different ideologies that center around two separate goals - lifestyle and sex. They coexist for the most part in harmony, but they are two separate entities and should be recognized as such.
Most P/persons within L/leather community enjoy BDSM. However, just as many in the BDSM community are not L/leather. They adopted the 'look' of leather and enjoy what it brings to their scenes. The BDSM community has adopted many of the L/leather definitions and practices as sexual identifiers. Understanding and accommodating the context in which these identifiers and the terminology are used within the L/leather community and BDSM community is vital.
"L/leather" or Leather Lifestyle: A philosophy of enhancing and exploring life. L/leather is way of life involving specific public protocols, private protocols and rules of conduct. "Leather" is a way of life.
BDSM: "BDSM" is a philosophy of enhancing and exploring sex. BDSM is an acronym for Bondage, Domination, Sadism, Masochism. It is a commitment to expand and satisfy sexual appetite. Just because a person is into kinky sex and likes the 'look' of leather, does not mean they live, or want to live within the strict L/leather lifestyle.
Dominant or Dom: One who exerts influence and guides the direction of a L/leather commitment/relationship. This is a lifestyle term.
submissive or sub: one who submits to the influence and guidance of a Leather Dominant. This is a lifestyle term
Top: Regardless of sexual preference, a top physically controls a sexual 'scene'. This is a sex term, not a lifestyle term.
Bottom: Regardless of sexual preference, a bottom physically acquiesces to the sexual needs of a partner in a particular 'scene'. This is a sex term, not a lifestyle term.
Switch: Someone who is equally a top and bottom and can 'switch' roles based on the negotiated 'scene'. This is a sex term, not a lifestyle term.
Master, Sir, Lord, Daddy: Titles/Identifiers for the male Dominants in the L/leather community. Also used in the BDSM community.
Mistress, Master, Daddy: Titles/Identifiers for the female Dominants in the L/leather community. Also used in the BDSM community. Most heterosexual female Doms prefer 'Mistress'. The use of masculine identifiers for female Doms is mostly found in the Lesbian community. It is less acceptable for a heterosexual female Dom to use a masculine identifier, but some do prefer it - respect it and use it.
boy: A male submissive within the L/leather community. The BDSM community also uses this term. females should never use this as an identifier. Those that do are usually ignored and assumed to be posers. Many female subs use 'boy' as an identifier simply because 'boi' has come to signify a "circuit boy" or "sex partier".
boi: A female submissive within the L/leather community. The BDSM community also uses this term. In the L/leather community, males should not use this as an identifier. The term 'boi' is becoming obsolete in the L/leather world due to the recent adoption by 'circuit boys or 'partiers' and negative connotation it now implies.
girl: A female submissive within the L/leather community. The BDSM community also uses this term. A term usually used by the more naturally feminine subs. males should, obviously, never use this as an identifier. "Grrl" is not acceptable written form for this identifier within the L/leather community.
slave: male or female submissive within the L/leather community. Used in the BDSM community within a sexual context.
Understanding the usage of these terms is very important. Not all Doms are sexual tops. Not all subs are sexual bottoms. Not all sexual tops are Doms. Not all sexual bottoms are subs. Try not to confuse or combine the terminology. Top/bottom and Dom/sub deal with opposite ends of the overall spectrum and mean very different things.
Collar: A visible symbol, of a L/leather commitment. The most commonly used collar is a locked chain worn around the sub's neck, but a collar can be whatever the Dom chooses - a necklace, a bracelet, an anklet, a finger ring, a tattoo...
If a sub states that he/she is collared and you do not see a traditional collar about the sub's neck, do not challenge or question the statement. Remember that some Doms have their property wearing something other than a traditionally known collar. Just because it is not a traditional 'collar', doesn't mean it isn't a representation of the symbol of a collar.
The collar, as well as the person wearing the collar, is the exclusive property of the Dom who owns the collar.
NEVER touch a collar.
NEVER touch a collared sub without prior permission from the Dom.
NEVER engage a collared sub in conversation without the prior consent of the Dom. If the Dom is not with the sub, the only acceptable conversation with the sub is to inquire where the Dom is so that Y/you can ask permission to speak with the collared sub. The best option is to find another uncollared sub or another Dom and inquire who owns the sub that Y/you want to engage in conversation.
NEVER think that a collared sub is community property. Do not presume that a collared sub can be given orders by anyone other than the Dom who owns the collar. This is such a serious offense that it will get Y/you ostracized by the L/leather community. To disrespect the collar, or the sub wearing the collar, is to disrespect the Dom who owns it. And by extension, this disrespects the entire L/leather community... Such disrespect is not tolerated in the L/leather community.
Contracts: A contract is exactly what it sounds like. In the L/leather community, it is a relationship or ownership spelled out on paper to which all persons have agreed and signed. Outside sources (respected W/witnesses) are also required to review and validate a contract.
A contract is for a determined length of time. It can be a trial contract for 60-90 days with the option for renewal. It can be a an annually renewed contract. And over the years, it can be renegotiated to be a lifetime contract. Every contract is different because every contract is customized and personalized for a particular C/commitment. This is the negotiation process.
Basics: A contract details the requirements and duties of all persons entering into the C/commitment. It clearly defines the roles of, responsibilities of, and punishments for all persons involved in this C/commitment. Contracts can be reviewed and re-negotiated during renewal or if a portion of the contract is not being adequately fulfilled. C/contracts normally also include an 'out' clause that outlines the grounds in which the contract becomes null and void. Typically, a contract takes months to negotiate and prepare. A contract should never be entered into lightly - or until the contract is negotiated to the overall satisfaction of all P/persons named in the contract.
Scene: This is a term for BDSM 'play' exchanges. A scene can be anything from a flogging, to wax, to physical penetration. The terms and limitations of a scene are negotiated in advance so all persons know what is expected.
Limits: Limits are exactly what the word means. Whether within a L/leather relationship or a BDSM scene, limits are made known, negotiated and to which are adhered.
Hard Limits: Hard limits are actions which under no circumstances should ever be attempted. It is a line that should never be crossed. It is usually reserved for BDSM play but also is used in contract negotiations between a Dom and a sub. Not respecting a 'hard limit' will immediately stop or end a scene - or a R/relationship. Example, A person states that he/she is not into bloodsports and it is a Hard Limit. The person with whom was negotiated knowingly crosses that line, the trust is broken and everything screeches to a halt. S/someone who disrespects a Hard Limit will rarely, if ever, get another chance with that P/person. Ignoring a Hard Limit is the fastest way to be banned from play parties and from finding willing play partners or life partners.
Safeword: A safeword is called to slow or halt a scene. Most people have two safewords. A cautionary safeword spoken to let a partner know that things are moving too fast and to slow down or ease up a bit. The second safeword is spoken to completely stop or end a scene if it becomes too much. Both the top and the bottom should know each other's safe words. Either can call a safeword. If a safeword is not respected, do not expect to ever enter another scene with that person, you have lost their trust, most likely forever.
Aftercare: Aftercare sounds just like what it is. After a scene, care must be given to ensure that the participants are not immediately or permanently damaged. This also includes immediate protection of the person who is still 'high' from the scene. This extends to follow up visits and/or phone calls to ensure the participant is physically and mentally unharmed from the scene. Aftercare should be given to the tops as well as the bottoms. In short, it is the responsibility of all persons involved in a scene to provide aftercare for each other. Good aftercare should also include honest discussions on what worked and what didn't work and how to make the scene more enjoyable in the future.
Do not expect aftercare if you attend a play party or anonymous venues of play - you should expect and plan to provide your own aftercare from such a situation.